On Friendship: A Sweet Synergy

Outdo one another in showing honor.

Romans 12:10

Reflecting on some of my most precious friendships throughout the years, I realize they all have important features in common.  It also turns out they all avoid the same pitfalls.  The healthiest, most beautiful friendships and conversations thrive on a refreshing, intertwining balance of sharing and listening, the latter often with questions to draw others out.

Listening well helps make others feel cared about.  And the best listeners know how to do it while they guard against two things.  Pride sometimes makes good listeners view others as needy projects, while fear of vulnerability can keep good listeners from opening up.  Listen well without sharing well, and others will inevitably feel unneeded or inferior, and as though the listener sees them simply as a project, but unworthy of being taken into the listener’s own confidence.   The best listeners have no condescending pride or aloofness; they listen out of genuine love and enthusiastic interest.  They have banished fear of vulnerability, too, so that  their careful attention to what others say guides them to open up about their own lives in ways that are relevant, nourishing, inviting, and enfolding.

Opening up is indeed the other half of the lovely balance in friendship.  Sharing well helps make others feel needed, valued, and trusted. But those who find opening up easy need to guard against the tendency to be self-focused.  The best sharers know how to avoid a selfish approach to conversation that can initially make others feel needed, yet eventually makes others wonder if they are just being used.  Sharing without the counterbalance of devoted listening makes others feel that their own lives must be insignificant and that their worth only consists in what others can take from them.  The best sharers are not only guided by listening, but even as they open up about their own lives, they communicate both the gratitude and ease that comes from knowing they are loved and treasured by the listener and their pure joy and delight at having such a friend who cares to listen, to encourage, and often to pray.

Oh, how I thank God for the precious friends who inspire such reflections and who constantly encourage me to be a better friend by their examples.

Grateful beyond words,
Carol